Naughty Advice

Received 01/13/2019

Dear Naughty or Nice,

I grew up being told to NEVER get into credit card debt. Did I listen? Nope! So here I am, trying to start my life and save for the future, and I’m stuck with several credit card bills from several -too-many emotional therapy shopping sprees! (RETAIL THERAPY AM I RIGHT?!) I know that if I pay off my debt, I’ll have so much more income per month to save and use towards travel and my dreams, but as each month passes by, other things seem more urgent than paying extra on my credit cards! I know I need a kick in the ass so naughty advice would be preferred!

Sincerely, Credit card debt-upset

Dear Credit Card Debt-Upset,

Well, welcome to the club, Credit! You’re fucking human, congratulations!! I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’re also ‘MERICAN. It’s just what we do. You’re not American unless you’re in debt.

But guess what? You also know how to fix it and you’re still choosing to stay broke. Why? Every time you get paid you should say to yourself, “Do I want to continue being a dumbass or do I want to pay off my debt?”

Yeah, I’d choose to pay off my debt. (Not that I’m debt-free mind you, but I’m the one giving the damn advice here! Hush, you!)

Think back on the past year…every paycheck, all that “retail therapy” bullshit. Was it worth it? Or would you rather be sitting your ass all pretty and happy without creditors calling you every day? And btw, retail therapy is a fucking cop out. Did all that therapy solve your problems? Nope, you is HERE.

Put it like this, you recognized the fact that you just needed an ass kickin’, and the first step is always recognizing the issue. You’re halfway there. Now, go to the Nice Page and read what I just wrote to “FOMO”. Where I told FOMO to pay themselves FIRST every payday, I’m telling you to PAY THE DAMN CREDIT CARD BILLS FIRST! Just do it. Every single pay check! Before you know it, you’ll be out of credit card debt. Just make sure you don’t fall into the trap of using those cards again once the debt level is decreased! Be smart, dammit. Cut up some cards if you need to. Just always keep the one with the best interest rate as your emergency card. Seriously, emergencies only or you’ll start this vicious cycle all over again. It’s exhausting being stupid, huh?

Think of a year ago…how much would your debt be right now if you had taken your head outta your ass twelve months ago?

I promise, you’ll feel so much better when you do. Come back here in six months and let me know you’ve kicked your dumbass tendencies 🙂

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Naughty or Nice,

I’m a 26 year old man who has found the love of his dreams. She’s gorgeous. We have a lot of fun on our dates and seem to have a lot in common. I’m ready to take the next step, but I’m not sure she is. How do I ask her to sleep with me? Oh, and how do I then ask for it to happen at her place? I’m living in my dad’s apartment.

You can give me a Naughty reply.

Thanks, Horny in Hawaii

Dear Horny,

There is so much just fucking wrong about your letter. You talk like your still in high school and apparently still are if you’re living with your father! You’re 26 years old and can’t get your own place? Listen, let’s work on one thing at a time here. GET YOUR OWN PLACE! Doesn’t have to be fancy, but do it. No grown woman wants to get fucked in her boyfriend’s dad’s apartment. If you can’t afford your own place, find a roommate that’s your age, not your dad’s. If that’s still too challenging for you, get two roommates! Damn, man. It might as well be a basement. And every straight woman (bi, too I guess) wants her guy to be a man, not a little boy. Maybe she’s waiting for you to grow a pair??

Now, the other part of your letter. So, you want to get laid. I see you didn’t mention her personality. Only that she’s beautiful. Nice. I hope you talk better to her than you did in that letter. She needs to feel safe about taking that next step. Yes, continue to compliment her looks, but for fuck’s sake add a few niceties about her brain, her wit, her accomplishments in life! Something other than, “you’ve got a great rack”.

I’m not even going to address the part about you wanting to do it in her place. If she wanted you, that would have already happened. Straighten out the rest of your life and maybe the next letter will be from “no longer horny in Hawaii”. Good luck!